How the substitute became the regular organist

Tags

Humor, Stewardship

How The Substitute Became The Regular Organist

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.  “Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more.  Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star-Spangled Banner.”

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Top Ten Hymns For “Birthday-Challenged” People

Tags

Aging, Humor

Top Ten Hymns For “Birthday-Challenged” People

10. “It Is Well With My Soul (But My Back Aches A Lot)”
9. “Nobody Knows The Trouble I Have Seeing
8. “Amazing Grace (Considering My Age)”
7. “Just A Slower Walk With Thee”
6. “Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One By One”
5. “Go Tell It On The Mountain—And Speak Up!”
4. “Give Me That Old Timer’s Religion”
3. “Blessed Insurance”
2. “Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah (I’ve Forgotten Where I Parked)”
1. “Nearer, My God, To Thee”

That’s what they said the last time!

Tags

Humor, Pastors

The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate.

After the service a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, “Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much. We don’t want you to leave!”

The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said “Now, now, Carolyn, don’t carry on. The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me.”

“Yeah,” she said “That’s what they said the LAST time too!!!”

Be Sure Your Sins Will Find You Out

Tags

Humor, Sin

A man and his wife are out on the town one evening. Seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror, he pulls to the side of the road.

A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says: What’s the problem officer?

Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ticket you.

Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh Harry, You were going at least 80.
[The man gives wife a dirty look.]

Officer: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light.
Wife: Harry you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.
[The man gives his wife dirty look.}

Officer: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt!

Man turns to his wife and yells: FOR CRYIN’ OUT LOUD, CAN’T YOU JUST SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

The officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”

Wife says: “No, only when he’s drunk.

Humor: Just Keep On Getting Older

Tags

Aging, Birthdays, Humor

An elderly gentleman complained to his doctor that he wasn’t feeling well.

“I’m doing everything I can to help you,” the doctor said. “You surely realize that I can’t make you a young fellow again.”

“I don’t care about feeling young again,” the man replied. “I just want to keep on getting older.”

Warning: Bad Pun Ahead

Tags

Amazing Grace, Pun

There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass – not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it.

One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning.

When he awoke, he went outside, and saw that his dog had eaten the grass all in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.

Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, “A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me.”

Humor: What A Workout!

Tags

Exercise, Humor, Matthew 11:28

Humor: What A Workout!

(NOTE: This might be good to use with Matthew 11:28.)

The doctor told one guy he should start an exercise program. Not wanting to harm this old body, he devised the following:
– Beat around the bush
– Jump to conclusions
– Climb the walls
– Wade through the morning paper.
– Drag my heels
– Push my luck
– Make mountains out of mole hills
– Hit the nail on the head.
– Bend over backwards
– Jump on the band wagon
– Run around in circles.
– Toot my own horn
– Pull out all the stops
– Add fuel to the fire
– Open a can of worms
– Put my foot in my mouth
– Start the ball rolling
– Go over the edge.
– Pick up the pieces.
What a Workout! Rest At Last